Hi, My name is Jay and I’m staring down the barrel of 30 years of age. Those that have known me well in my life have always referred to me as the complete asshole and then looked at those in absolute horror when they had described me as being nice. Generally, I’m nice to those that I decide can’t handle my most coveted talent.
You see, the thing is if I’m not an asshole to you, you’re not getting the full experience.
Here’s the thing, I am one of those guys that Batman’s butler Alfred refers to when he says “Some men want to watch the world burn.” (Youtube-Safe for work) I know, I know I shouldn’t be proud of this but you see the times I have tried to turn the page and start a new chapter as a normal person who fits in, contributes and is a welcomed part of the group, my life falls apart. From zero to 100 Ninja real quick, real quick, real fucking quick Ninja.
I would describe boredom as my mortal enemy. Boredom is the Joker and I am Batman…Obviously.
Boredom is literally my undoing on many occasion. I grow tired when trying to talk about football, basketball, golf or any other sport that the average person watches on TV. It just does not compute with my brain to watch a bunch of roided up athletes get a ball across a line or between some posts or hit it with a stick for 100 metres down the fairway. In fact, they’re not even roided up anymore which brings a tear to my eye. Not only are they not roided up but there is limited to no scraps on the field either. Don’t even get me started with soccer. Of course, I enjoy playing sport, it’s just watching it drives me to drink faster to numb the pain. Nowadays athletes are expected to be role models. “Hey kids, let’s just dance and have fun, don’t forget to be kind to one another!” No wonder ratings are plummeting on just about everything and kids are more interested in video games.
Show me the highlight reel of the last 5 games and that will do pig, that will do!
I know what you’re thinking this idiot is simply shit at sport! On the contrary, it’s actually one of my favorite avenues for being an asshole. I naturally pick things up quite fast and start beating those that have given up their time to teach me, with an innocent look on my face.
Often Have I rolled into a gym with resting bitch face cocked and loaded. Barrel aimed directly at the closest roid rager strategically picked. (Obviously not gunning after Ronnie Coleman and the like). There have been times I have sat next to said individual, with shirt barely covering my gut, skinny arms out for everyone to see and asked politely If I could get a set in between. Naturally, a sneaky smirk would cover this untalented, bleeding assed, wannabe but never was’s face until I would calmly yet confidently perform what he had prided himself on achieving through the help of what the great Joe Rogan subtly describes as “Mexican Supplements”.
Now after my life has taken a turn for the absolute worst again for the 4th or 5th time, I have really taken some time over the last few months while traveling through South East Asia to ponder on my shortcomings. To really think about who I am, what I want to achieve and the man I want to be. Of course, as any self-help book would tell you, the journey starts from within.
Here are some thoughts from my ponders: (Imagine Comedian Jim Jefferies (Youtube) Reading this list to you)
- People only like me when I’m being an asshole.
- People don’t know how to handle me when I’m being nice
- I only really do things that I can add to my little black book of asshole things I have done in my life
- Nothing interests me more than pissing people off.
- I don’t care about normal things that normal people care about.
- Constantly being told I’m a smart ass.
- Being a smart ass is the only way I really know how to communicate with another human.
- I’m exceptionally good at being a smart ass.
- I am constantly trying new things to improve my status in the asshole community.
- My favourite song is Denis Leary – Asshole
Well, I guess it is set in stone then, time to embrace the life as the quintessential asshole.
Oh, I forgot to mention I ran into Batman and Robin recently on my travels. Retirement you fickle beast.