As my travel comes to an end (For now), I spend my last two weeks staring out the window of my last hotel due to injuring my knee during a drunken decision to partake in some part time parkour photography. Involving myself, two 6th story rooftop apartments on separate buildings, a small distance to jump, angry apartment tenant and myself thinking I was Batman escaping across rooftops…in Kathmandu, Nepal. I sit back and reflect on some bad decisions I have made in my life…should I change my ways or should I stay true to my wild way of life, going hammer and tong at everything I do…In my opinion, I think my creator (Whether that be Buddha, Yeesus, Xenu, Ala or Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) has already made the decision which limit’s me to the only possible path…as you were!
I suffer from what some would call a “personality disorder” I believe those suffering from the disorder are referred to as “weird”…Symptoms of weird are, but not limited to a willingness to be tested, good problem-solving skills, the ability to do thing’s while scared and an urge to continually learn! FREAK!
Ah, what the!
I have spent long enough trying to be the nice normal person. To do this uses too much energy! Trying to hold in everything I have to offer tires me out. I do this so that I don’t cause too much trouble, luckily I’ve outgrown this trying to be a nice guy act and have now incorporated the “attitude mirror” strategy. I will treat you how you treat me. Let me tell you, it’s like the nipple clamp has been removed, the ball gag spat out and the masked lady has stopped tugging on the chain attached to my…
I can honestly say that I look to see where the crowd is going and go the other way, “against the grain” as my good mate Gav Sims (RIP) would put it! Am I stupid for doing this?
I was always a curious person for the longest time. I would always question everything.
“Why are we doing this?”
“Why do people like these…things?”
“Why is that considered a good job?”
“What is the point of being normal when it doesn’t work for me?”
“Why are you telling me not to travel?”
“Why are we doing it this way?”
“How is this person so stupid and in charge?”
“What do you mean he get’s under the desk?”
Perhaps this is why I would have a sarcastic look at life because nothing ever made sense!
I have torn through my twenty’s like a tornado for better or for worse I have somehow made it out the other side alive. Many including myself would always tell me I wouldn’t make old age and I would whole heartedly agree. Accepting my fate and aiming to live wild, have fun and make sure everything I did had a good story behind it, just in case my troubled ways would see my end!
Lessons have been learned on this 2nd leg of the journey known as young adulthood and the one thing I have taken away from 10 years of carnage is, I really am a slow learner…when it comes to thing’s that don’t make sense…which everyone else calls a “normal” and “getting ahead!“
I have injured myself more times than a smart person should…perhaps, a smart person doesn’t do any of the things I do…because…I am…hmmm, brain freeze! Can’t think of the word that was coming next…must have been the head injuries I’ve sustained throughout my life being “adventurous”!
I’ve known for a long time that I could do and be good at whatever I wanted if I just stopped, slowed down and applied myself to something worthwhile. I knew this because every time I had had a job I would always be the best, always work the hardest and always got desired results BUT…my sub conscious thinking would always shoot myself in the foot on purpose! Telling me I didn’t belong here and I could do better. If this is not true then I will blame it on the voices, the dual personality or plain old dementia.
Looking back now I always knew deep down that the job I was doing was not worth doing. This, in turn, would channel my inner party demon and lay waste to any chances of promotion and any chance at normalcy. Thank god!
I knew a family was not for me, perhaps in the future but not until I had accomplished something great. I knew that being tied down to a mortgage, wife, and kids would spell trouble…eating bullets for breakfast type trouble.
I see nothing wrong with it but for me when everything is going well and I finally decide I am happy, it’s time to do a backflip off a cliff into a sea of madness again. You see, I love trouble and trouble love me! If I do not get my fix of madness and stress then I start to tear thing’s down around me, which in turn causes madness and stress. Is it a Mental health issue? Do I just need to grow up? Or do I enjoy being effective and working towards difficult goals and having excessive amounts of fun…I would say the latter but then any “normal” person would refer me to Psych doctor. Don’t you dare break the mold of struggling through life, saving your money so that you can get buck wild at 65 years old when you retire!
I like to think of it as while I am able, I am going to get at “it”! Now, I just have to figure out what “it” really is? Before normalcy, I need to satisfy my thirst for success…perhaps I will never see normalcy but I will see success!
Goal setting is something that I have gotten from my pondering while nursing my knee injury. I have always had goals but never really anything pin point specific to moving forward. It was always, I have to drink 8 beers before 9 pm to avoid blowing over at work breathalyzer tomorrow, learning a certain skill, sport or the old classic, “my goal is to be rich” but it was never really a specific career that I had in mind that I would enjoy. This is most certainly one of my many issues as I would find out. As they say “hindsight is 20/20“.
Maybe I was looking in the wrong direction, perhaps I should look elsewhere!
The times I had my eye set on a “job” I wanted within the industry I was in my heart/brain would club me over the head with a beer followed by, pouring it into a funnel directly into my mouth, telling me that it wasn’t for me. Strangely as silly as it sounds I knew it was right. I was not built to have a set and forget job, where your sole task was to show up consistently and as some would say “hurry up and wait“. I needed something different, something stupendously amazing!
Falling out of love with the easy life
I would sit and observe the job veterans and talk to them about their lives. Very few were happy with what they were doing and had done. The few that were content with what they were doing were the ones that had lead a great life and accepted that they were on the back nine, taking the job because they had gotten too old to have fun. Kid’s had given them no choice but to earn more money accepting jobs they didn’t want. This would set me up to fail as I would discover from my observations that just because it is normal does not mean it is right and I would cement in my mind that I would have to live completely different to others to be happy.
I am one of the few, willing to go broke trying to figure out what else life has to offer, hence why I would want nothing to do with anything that would change my way of thinking. I know now that I could never find what I wanted to do because I was always looking to limit myself to “jobs”. There is only one thing left to do…keep doing things I enjoy, until I find something that takes me to my inevitable success!